Well, so much for writing every day! This week has been hard for me and I felt that anything I wrote would be too emotional and not anything someone would want to read. But when so much time goes by, it feels hard to nail down what is really going on in my world. Being a person is very complex, and this week has been full of personal complexities.
A trip to the Gap outlet helped me to realize that I was having a mid-life-crisis. I hope this isn't really my mid-life, but going out at 60 wouldn't be that bad. So what do I mean? Well, I have begun to realize that I have moved beyond some very big things in my life. I think as a child one looks to the future and imagines falling in love, getting married, finding your work, and having children as the big milestones. After all these have happened, have you not really already experienced the best of what life has to offer? I mean, even my body is beginning to fail me. Not only am I experiencing the pain of aging, but the side-effects as well (like wrinkles and hormone problems). O.K., I know that I am just now 30, but THIRTY, come on. So I have begun to see that I have already done all the things that I looked forward to.
So where does that leave me? Do I just die now, or ride the downhill train in resignation? I now see that this is not it at all. If my hope is in this world, then yes, it is all downhill now. According to our cultural standards, I am no longer the model of beautiful perfection I once was, so I might as well just give up, or look to money, or personal gratification (like retirement) at this point. And I guess that would be true, except for one big thing. And this is THE THING- I am not created for this world. I have these deep longings- to be the beautiful princess who has great adventure and romance and lives happily ever after. And this desire is not bad, in fact, God gave it to me- for heaven. I know I am not saying this very clearly, but I think that in my own life a remarkable awakening is occurring. I am seeing the need to cut the strings that tie me to this world, because my hope is not here. This world is beauty, love, and joy- yes; but it is also pain, heartache and bitter disappointment. So how can this be fine with me? How can I realize that all that I hoped for and dreamed of is not going to happen? I am not fine with that, because it is going to happen- when I finally am free of this world and its sin.
I just imagine how this might someday affect my life. If I truly realized this down to the depths of my soul, I would be a different person. I would not life for myself. I would think of each day I had on Earth as an opportunity to affect eternity. I would serve; I would give; I would love without fear. I would live out reality, not the illusion that this life was what I was made for.